#MeToo: Breaking Through Being Silenced

TW: Sexual assault

I thought long and hard about writing this post. I'm still debating whether it's even a good idea. A part of me feels like I need to do this, I need to tell my story and then finally I will be able to move on. At the same time however, I don't think I'll ever be able to.

I'm sure you are all aware of the #MeToo movement that's been happening for the past few weeks. I am so incredibly moved by all the women, and men, who have come out and told their story. Whether something happened years ago, or a few days ago, the bravery of those people is immense and has, in a way, pushed me to do this. I've also become a person I don't recognise, and although I fight this everyday, although I try to work through this everyday, I have pushed a few people away from me because of that. Two of whom I cared for and loved very much, but because of my actions and this change in me, I have now lost forever. And quite frankly, I am done letting this define me, because the past 10 months of my life have been hell enough.

Prior to this year, I remember hearing stories of assault and being very sure of what I would do if I was ever in that position. Never did I imagine that I actually would be, and that the image I had of myself of a strong, hard-headed woman would crumble down. At the beginning of this year, I was raped. And it was done by someone I knew. Someone I would then have to see five days a week for five, six months. I think this is partially why I didn't know how to deal with this, because I couldn't get out of the situation I was in. This has also played a big part in me moving out of Norwich and dropping out of UEA, as I couldn't stand to sleep in the same bedroom and walk through the same streets every day.I needed a change.

I'm about 90% sure this happened at the end of February, but my timeline from February and March has been very blurred and I can't pin point it exactly. I really wish I could. It was a night of a work do. A few friends came over to mine, we pre'ed, we got ready, we headed out to the bar. The guy in question was already there. He bought me a few drinks, but I didn't think much of it, as I was sure we were doing rounds and I bought drinks for him, too. He kept touching me but I kept brushing him off. As a group, after a few hours we decided we were bored and wanted to change venue. We were having a chat outside, I can't remember what about, and one of my other friends jokingly kissed me, we laughed. However, straight after that he grabbed me, and kissed me, too. I was in too much of a shock to say anything so I just stood there with a confused face and decided he's just drunk.

For some reason or another, we couldn't find a bar we liked, so we decided to all head back to mine to chill out, drink some more and watch a film. A few people started doing drugs. Once we got to mine, I was offered some, and thought 'hey, what's the worst that can happen? I'm at my own house'. One thing I learned that night is that my body doesn't like drugs, as I almost immediately threw them all up. I then decided I was too tired, and wanted to go to bed, leaving my guests downstairs so they could crash. Or so I thought. I got upstairs and realised he had followed me. Still though, I wasn't thinking anything of it, as there wasn't much space downstairs, so I thought he could just sleep on my floor. But he got in my bed. And yet still, I thought he was just drunk and wanted to sleep comfortably. I was wrong. I said 'no'. I said 'stop'. I said 'I don't want to'. I don't know how long it lasted, but I did eventually manage to push him off. And then he fell asleep, whilst I lay there unable to move.

The next morning, one of the guys made a joke about us sleeping together, once the other guy left. I said that it wasn't like that and that I wasn't happy with the situation. I didn't really expand on it. But I kept thinking about it.

Did I really say 'no'? Did I really ask him to stop? Did I imagine the whole thing? Did I lead him on? Was this all my fault? Maybe he just didn't hear me.

I left it at that, but the joke was brought up again a few days later within a small group of work friends. I wanted to talk about it, because I didn't want people thinking we had slept together. I again said that it wasn't what I wanted, and I told them that I kept rethinking the night. At that point, the only other girl in the conversation turned around and said to me "You shouldn't be talking about this. He's a good guy and you could ruin his reputation". And if there's one thing that one girl can say to another to shut her up, it's just that.

So I did stop talking about it, until a few weeks ago. I met someone at uni, and somehow one of our conversations had ended up on this topic. I started to open up a little bit, and she helped me realise that I should've never let anyone silence me. If she's reading this, and I'm sure quite sure she is, I would just like to thank her. Because the last month and a half has been a little easier.

Another friend whom I told said to me "I'm sorry this has happened to you" and I replied saying that it's okay. But it's clearly not okay? It's not something that should ever, ever be okay. I still haven't reported it. I still haven't spoken to him about it. I don't know if I ever will. I know I should, because I worry it might happen again. But there's still parts of me that blame myself. I can't believe that I'm victim blaming myself, but I am. And I sometimes justify his actions. Or try to excuse them. And I think about what happened every single day, without fail. There are days when I'm embarrassed that I let this happen to me. I feel wrong in my own body, like it doesn't belong to me.

I think what I'm currently feeling the most though, is anger. I'm angry at what has happened to me, I'm angry about how it changed me and I'm angry about how it has made me behave. I have lost all trust for people, especially men. Because I have kept it in, my anger has been projected on the men closest to me, and that isn't fair, but it is the only way I've been able to cope with it for the past few months. Although I never want this to be an excuse for anything, I never want it to define me, either.  I sometimes feel like I need to defend myself, and explain myself, because who I've been for the last 10 months isn't who I am as a person, and somebody else's violation of my body and trust shouldn't be the person that others see me as now.

Although I've said that I have awful days still, I'm also learning how to get better and how to move on. Maybe it'll take a few more months, or a few more years, or maybe this will be with me for the rest of my life. I don't know the answer to that. What I do know though, is that no one, man or woman, should ever have to go through anything like this, and I will do whatever I can to help others get through this, because no one should be silenced.

https://www.safeline.org.uk/

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

http://thesurvivorstrust.org/

Winter Skincare Favourites*

Hello my loves! Long time no post (although, in my case, pretty good going...). I thought I'd write a little bit about my current skincare routine. It's not perfect, and I am looking to change a few things, purely because I think my skin has gotten used to some of these products. They're nonetheless.

I'll kick it off with the classic favourites. Liz Earl Cleanse and Polish and Pixi Glow Tonic. I've been using Cleanse and Polish for about two years now, and I do genuinely think it's played a major role in clearing up my skin. I usually use it twice, first to take off my make up and then to cleanse my skin. I follow that with the Glow Tonic, and I'm convinced this stuff is magic. Every time my skin feels dry, or bumpy or I'm breaking out, this just works. Every single time. I know everybody recommends these products, but I honestly believe they're worth the hype. When my skin needs exfoliation (which lately is quite often), I've been reaching for the Formula 10.0.6 One Smooth Operator. I'm never quite sure what I need to look out for in a scrub, but I feel like this does it's job. 

Once I've done the above three steps, I go in with the SBC Collagen Hydra-Gel*. It's a rich and intensive water-based serum, which helps to re-hydrate, plump the skin and reduce the appearance of fine lines. I know I'm only 23, but this is the time to start slowing down the signs of ageing! Also, collagen is just really good for your skin. I then reach for Hylamide Subq Eyes. I've always found that my eyes were my problem area. I've got very dark circles, and my skin is always puffy and very dehydrated around them.  And again, eyes show the first signs of ageing. I haven't been using it for that long, but I did a little research and found Caroline Hirons' post about this, so decided to give it a go. So far, so good. 

As my skin has been soooo dry and flakey recently, I've been treating it to an overnight Sudocrem* mask. Even as a mask, a little goes a long way. I've only been using this on my face for about two, three weeks now, but I can already notice the difference. I normally use it on spots anyway, and sometimes as a hand cream. I've also been using it as a primer, and I find it works great, too. Perhaps slightly better than my Smashbox one... I'd definitely recommend picking this up to try out if you haven't, and the Skin Care cream is only £1.99 at Boots, so I feel like you can't really go wrong here.

When I feel like being fancy, I use the Sinensis Agave Gold Refining Toner*, instead of Pixi Glow. This again is very high in collagen (a favourite of mine if you cant't tell) and it's rich in Vitamin C. I don't reach for this enough to have a detailed opinion on it, but it does make me feel very extra when I do use it, and if you're about that life too, I'd recommend checking it out. 

Applying SPF regularly is something I must admit I'm not that great at, but I've picked myself up the Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream Sun Defence SPF 50 Sunscreen (what a mouthful eh). I got this in TK Maxx, so I didn't pay the full price for it. I know it's important to apply it, even when it doesn't seem that sunny outside, especially since I have very sensitive skin and I do burn very easily (I look more like a lobster roll rather than a bronze goddess) so I should definitely pay more attention to it. 

I thought I'd wrap this up by mention my two favourite masks. First one is the Sephora Pearl Sheet Mask. I'm pretty sure I've tried all of their sheet masks at this point, but I definitely think this is their best one, as it smells great and I do genuinely think my skin looks a little brighter after using it. Second are the Boots Tea Tree and Witch Hazel Nose Pore Strips (not technically a mask, I know). I personally think these work better than the Biore ones, I think it might be because it's a two step process, and my nose always feel extra smooth after Step 2.

In 2018, I want to get more into skincare, I've also mentioned that in my previous post. I've already started researching Korean 10 Step Regime, and I think I'll be jumping onto the bandwagon. Have you got any skincare tips, or products that you definitely recommend?

Things I want to do in my 20's

(image: Not on the High Street)

You may or may not know, but a few days ago (26/11) marked my 23rd birthday. As always, it was a time of reflection for me, hence the undertone of this post, and the next one. Around my birthday I try to look back at the past year, what it is that I have and haven't achieved and what I'm looking to gain from the next few years. I thought this year I'd create myself a bucket list, of sort, not just for the next year, but for the rest of my twenties.

1. Travel to as many countries as humanly (financially) possible - a few of the places on my list are Thailand, New Zealand, Canada and Mexico.
2.  Become fluent in Spanish - I studied it at AS Level but never continued it, which I now regret. I really enjoyed the language, so don't know why I gave up on it. But I'm planning on picking it up again in the New Year. 
3. Get my dream job - I know what I want, and although it has taken me a while to figure it out, I'm finally on the right track and I have high ambitions when it comes to it, and I plan to be as high up as I possibly can before I turn 30.
4. Feed my body right - I'm all about body positivism and being happy in your body, but lately I haven't been practising what I preach. I think that's mainly because of how I've been eating. I'm not feeding my body well, and although I do believe in allowing yourself to indulge, I don't think my body has the same opinion. So I definitely need to transform what I put into it if I want to stay healthy. I also might be allergic to dairy, which would be an absolute disaster for me, but it would probably help me eat better.
5. Look after my skin more - this links to the previous point, but how I eat also has an impact on my skin. I'm also not the best person when it comes to a skincare regime, and I fear I'd be Caroline Hirons' biggest nightmare.
6. Live abroad - this goes back to point number one, but I'd absolutely looooove to live abroad for a few months. I think it'd also help with my anxiety, as I wouldn't have any other choice but to deal with the fact that I am indeed alone in a strange country.
7. Get rid of toxic friendships - I will touch on this more in my next post, but there's nothing you can gain from hanging around from people who make you feel like crap. Also, sometimes we are the toxic friend, so letting go of that will help you become a better person, too.
8. Take my parents on holiday - I'd love to take my parents on an amazing trip, and make sure they don't have to pay for any expenses. I have an idea where I'd want to take them, but I need to save up for it and make it happen!
9. Learn how to save - speaking off... Saving is definitely in the top 5 things I can't do, and really struggle with. I need to learn how to do it, pay off my overdraft and finally open up a Savings Account that I won't use for *emergencies*. Perhaps save 20% of my paycheck? We'll see.
10. Give back more - I've always been really involved with charity work, and it's something I want to do more and hopefully on a larger scale. Charities I help right now are Centrepoint, Battersea Dogs & Cats Home & Mind. 
11. Own a home - in this economy, and as a millenial living in London, this probably won't be easy, but it's also one of the most important things on this list for me. 
12. Stop looking for love - fairly self explanatory. After having my heart broken by someone I really loved, I think I'm finally done searching for validation that love would give me. If it comes my way, great. If it doesn't, also great, because I'll just adopt lots of dogs.
13. Learn how to not take things personally - I'm a worrier, so naturally any criticism or slight difference in someone's behavioour makes me me think it's me, my fault and that I've done something wrong. Turns out that that's very rarely the case, so I should just stop, really.

Anxiety, University & Why I Left

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Hellooooooo beautiful humans who are reading this blog! Hope you're having a great day. I've been coming and going from this blog from the moment I started it, but I finally feel ready and like I'm in a good enough place to make it exactly what I want. I've scheduled blog posts all the way up to Christmas Eve (yeah I know, who is am I?!) and I've got a lot of exciting things I want to discuss and share with you lovely people. I thought it was only right to finally discuss what's been going on in my life, why I'm no longer in Norwich and what I'm up to now.

I've discussed my anxiety issues on this blog before, but I've never made it clear just how severe they were/are, so this essentially is what this post it about. I've suffered from anxiety since I was 7, maybe 8 years old. However, growing up in Poland, anxiety wasn't a thing. No one really knew what was going on, and we just assumed I'm a walking ball of stress (which I am) and that there's nothing that can be done. Fast forward 10 years later, my anxiety started to creep back in, in a form of panic attacks. At the time, I was working full time at TOPSHOP and had a tyrant of a floor manager. No one listened to us when we complained about him, and told us it was all in our heads. Sadly, it wasn't, and that's when the panic attacks began. They happened before I left the house, on the tube, back of the house in store. Only reason I put up with it was because I was moving away to uni and I needed a job, and staying on meant I'd be transferred to the Norwich store. I also just didn't understand what was happening to me, as in the past the only thing that would happen to me when I was anxious was a tight chest and I'd usually be sick so when I had my first panic attack, I didn't even realise what it was.

As I've mentioned already, I thought moving away to university would fix the problem. Oh how wrong was I. November 2014 is when my problems started to get more severe. I wouldn't say it's down to being away from home, because things aren't different when I am here. I started feeling really low, I didn't want to attend my classes, locked myself in my room and only came out to hang out with my friends. I either didn't eat for a week, or ate a whole week's worth of food in one day (but we'll discuss my relationship with food another time). This is partially due to a 'relationship' with a guy. It was the first time I fell for someone, and the dickhead (there's no other word for him, sorry) decided to mess with me for a good six, seven months. We were also in the same sports club, and sadly I lost friends over this - but if someone can see another person continually hurting you and still chooses them, were they ever really a friend? I don't think so.

Another reason for my unhappiness was my course. Before going to uni I took a gap year, but I had a deferred entry for American Literature. I thought it was the perfect course for me, as back then I lived with this idea of being a Young Adult publisher. The course wasn't what I expected, I was constantly bored, I didn't feel I was learning anything and I basically stopped attending my classes. I started seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Depression scared me. My dad's mum suffered from it severely, and I know what it can do to a person. I tried counselling for a bit, but there were two problems with it. Waiting for a counsellor at UEA is probably one of the longest and most dragged out processes I've ever seen, and you only get about four sessions (although this was in 2014/2015, so this perhaps may have changed now). Secondly, if you don't click with your councillor, you have to get back in line. My one just didn't make me feel comfortable, and I felt constantly interrogated.

One thing that I did know, was that I liked the Norwich environment, I liked UEA and my friends there. I decided to change my course to Culture, Literature & Politics. I was enjoying it, but at the same time, my medication changed. There was a period of time where I didn't leave my room for two weeks, I didn't want to see anyone or do anything and I fell really behind on my work. Around that time I also had a very unpleasant incident whilst walking home from my shift at the uni bar. I wasn't physically hurt, but I was left emotionally scarred, and even walking home late now makes me feel extremely unsafe and uncomfortable. All of this put together didn't have a great effect on me, and I struggled to get out of it for a very long time. After talking to one of my roommates at the time, I got myself to the doctor and she immediately changed my medication. I was very lucky that I had an understanding doctor who wanted the best for me, and who always genuinely listened to my concerns and took them on board. Even if I was coming in for a different reason, she always made sure to ask about my mental health and it was very reassuring to know she cared.

Although my medication started to eventually work, I was still left in a horrible place. Because I missed so much of uni, I had a lot of catching up to do. I didn't feel comfortable attending classes, because no one really knew me, and it made my anxiety even worse. I was forcing myself to do all the work, and it wasn't great. Fast forward a few months to around April/May, I finally got a mentor,whom I've been waiting for since November. She told me that she found my papers by accident, in a pile of things in the main office. Great organisation, UEA. She was great though. Helped me get back on top of my work (kind of) and helped me with my exam preparation for June, and thanks to her I also managed to bag myself a PR internship for the summer. However, when it came to the day of the exam, I had a panic attack on my way there. I haven't taken exams in years, and the idea of it terrified me. I got myself to the doctor, we filed a report, and I was told I could sit the exam again in two months. I loved my internship, but it because of what happened with my exam, my anxiety was at an all time high, every single day. And sadly, it didn't get better.

On the day when I was supposed to sit my exam, I was put in the wrong room. About forty-five minutes into it, a lady came up to me and told me I had to move. I questioned it, since I was writing the correct paper, but she insisted. I was put in a room with two other people. One girl kept cracking her knuckles and talking to herself quite loudly (we all deal with stress differently, I know) and one guy who wasn't actually supposed to be there. A discussion broke out, and it caused yet another panic attack. I was taken from the room, and dropped off outside of the Medical Centre to fend for myself. Which, in case you were wondering, isn't the correct procedure. The rest is all a bit of a roller coaster. A few days  before the term was supposed to start, I got a letter telling me I need to intercalate as I didn't take my exam (they were supposed to give me a provisional pass, considering their mistake). Long story short, turns out they lost the documents my doctor and I have sent off. We argued and appealed, but they refused to admit their fault, so I was left with taking a year off. As you can imagine, that also did wonders for my mental health, especially since I couldn't get out of my contract. Living in a house with four other girls, all attending university and having fun in their final year. To put it bluntly, it fucking sucked.

 I managed to find myself a Christmas temp job, but until then, I wasn't really doing  much. After that, I started another job, at a place I used to work at,but the hours weren't great, so my relationship with my housemates became non-existent and we drifted apart. When it came to the exam period again, I had to do all my work all over, including the exam - which also turned out to now be a piece of coursework, something I was supposed to know from the start. If you have severe anxiety and can't take exams, your tutors can give you a piece of coursework to hand in instead. This is something I found out way after this whole debacle even began, which made the situation that much worse. I was trying to complete all my work, all whilst working full time, trying to socialise and keep a long distance friendship 'thing' going on. I wasn't the best person to be around, and I'll be the first to admit that. Anxiety, and depression, severely took over who I was and looking back it breaks my heart that who I became pushed so many people away. As I was doing all that, I realised I didn't want to be attending a university that treated me that way, paying money for a course that I'm not that invested in and be forced to stay in a place that's making so miserable, so I decided to drop out. It wasn't an easy decision, but I decided to for once put my mental well-being first.

 I moved back home in July, and decided that I want to try getting to a London university, and I knew I wanted to study Public Relations. So I guess something good did come out of my time in Norwich, as it helped me realise that PR is what I want to go into. I got an unconditional offer from UAL, and I'm currently studying for my BA here. It's extremely stressful, involves a lot of group work (amazing...) but I absolutely love it. It may have taken me a long time to find my path, way longer than a lot of people, but I'm finally on the right track. All of this could still go up in smoke if SFE doesn't come through, as they have to decide if they'll be funding me still. It's a complicated and long process, but I have faith that all will be fine soon.

I guess what I wanted this post to do, is to help me close the UEA/Norwich chapter, but also help anyone who's unhappy at university for any reason.

 It's always important to put your well-being first, and although it took me a long time to figure that out, I'll never forget that now. 

If you have any questions regarding dropping out, mental health or just need someone to talk to, I want you to know that it's okay - and that I am here for you. Until next time,

Be At One Monument Reopening

A few weeks back, I was invited by the team at Be At One Oxford Street to join them for Quiz Night celebrating the launch of their new cocktails. I put quite a bit of the night on my Insta Story, but I didn't do a blog post as there were quite a few of us and the table was constantly full of yummy cocktails, so I didn't really get an opportunity for nice photos (although my friend Maddie took some on her camera, perhaps I should ask her if they're any good...). I also had a chance to meet one of the lovely girls who are behind their PR - hello Kara if you're reading this - and it was truly a great night. I've been a fan of Be At One since I've started going to bars, so being invited to their events is honestly amazing to me!

On Thursday however, I was yet again invited to attend an event hosted by them. This time, it was to the re-opening of the bar at Monument. This is one I haven't been to before it went under renovation, so I can't comment on how much has changed, but I can say that right now everything looks fabulous, which isn't really that surprising since they put £300,000 into it. It's also very easy to find, as it's around the corner from the station.

When we went in we could still smell the fresh paint (I really don't mind) and it felt really nice to be one of the first ones there. Alongside promoting the reopening of the bar, they were also focusing on promoting one of the new drinks - Blue Steel. As I'm a massive Pornstar Martini fan (basic, I know), it shouldn't be shocking to anyone that Blue Steel is creeping up to the top of my favourites list. It's a mix of Beefeater gin, Prosecco Santome, blue curacao, white peach liquor, egg white and lemon. It is divine.

One of the reasons Be At One is my favourite cocktail bar is because there's something for everyone. Their menu boasts over 100 different drinks, and I know what you're thinking - yes, it can be difficult to choose one. So, their brilliant team has made it easier for us by adding a feature called 'Drinkr' into the Be At One app. Think of it as a cocktail cupid of a sort. You swipe as you would on Tinder, answering a few questions, and you receive a cocktail tailored to you based on your answers. It's pretty accurate. There are also in-app promotions, and it's handy to stay on top of what's going on in the Be At One world. 

Our lovely cocktail waitress Siobhan who made the night that little bit more special

An offer that they currently have on, not only for app users, is a £5 offer on their Blue Steel and Banoffee Old Fashioned cocktails. I myself haven't tried the BOF, but if you're a fan of banoffee and the traditional Old Fashioned, I really don't think you can go wrong here. If you're anything like me I also recommend the Kiss from a Rosé, Patron & Saint, Erin Rose (ice cream cocktail, yes please!) and Buenot - a creamy cocktail with, yep, you've guessed it, a Kinder Bueno!

If you haven't been to Be At One before - first of, where have you been?! Secondly, I honestly recommend checking it out. The cocktails are great, the bar staff is always the nicest and great fun and the music is on point, too. I'd also like to thank the Be At One staff and their PR team for inviting me, yet again, to a fantastic night! 

*A few of the photos were kindly sent to me by the PR so I could include them in the blog post. 

Batiste 2-in-1 Invisible Dry Shampoo & Conditioner Review*

A few months ago, I was sent a box from trnd to review the new Batiste Dry Shampoo. As I've been MIA from this blog for a while (explanation coming soon) the blog review is only coming now. However, I have already review the product on their website and I honestly do enjoy using it. The Superdrug website description states that it "(...) instantly refreshes roots AND conditions locks with an orange and pomegranate scent. No oil, no dryness, just amazing looking and feeling hair from root to tip. Your new hair hero!". 

I received both the full size and a mini of the Orange & Pomegranate scent and popped the smaller one in my handbag straight away for on the go touch ups. I liked the look of the bottle as I think it's very sleek yet colourful, and I like that there's a mini version too - no one wants to lug around a huge bottle with them. 

I've used dry shampoo before and I must admit that Batiste is the only brand I've used for it. I don't use it often, only when life gets in the way really. I'm also quite lucky because I have blonde hair, and majority of dry shampoos leave a residue white powder, which of course doesn't show up on blonde hair as much as it would on darker shade. I did find that if I used slightly too much of it the residue would appear but, in general, I didn't really find that to be a problem for me. One difference I noticed was that my hair genuinely felt conditioned after using it, as opposed to using the regular version, which I found quite drying.

I think that with dry shampoo, you either love or hate the concept as a whole. I think it's fantastic as I'm always on the go and I tend to leave the house late, so for a bit of volume it's great. Although, I always wash my hair on the same day that I use it, so can't really comment whether it's good for more than one use (I know Kim K washed her hair every 6 days but we can't all be Kimmy unfortunately, and we don't have hairstylists on the go to do our hair).

Overall, I'd recommend the product if you're a dry shampoo user already, as in my books it's much better than the regular version. If you're thinking of trying it however, the minis are only £1.50 and I'd say they're worth a try. 

What are your thoughts on dry shampoo? Have you tried this one in particular?

#MartyTravels (& Reflects): York, England

Finally! My York travel post. As you may have seen either from my Twitter or what I've been suggesting in my hotel reviews from my trip to York, it wasn't exactly the experience I had planned. So, let's get straight to it. 

Over the Easter break, I had the pleasure of working with ILOVETOUR (if you haven't heard of them and you're at university/play sport at university - please look them up, you won't be disappointed). I spent a week in Croatia as a Hotel Rep, and it was brilliant. Whilst there, I made a lot of friends (some I'll definitely be seeing next Easter, Croatia 2k18 come at me) and majority of them were from places far, far away. Or if you're me, that just means North of England. I've been chatting to one of the guys I met there for a few weeks, after which he invited me to go visit him and go to an End of Year Ball with him - as friends only. 

About two weeks before I was supposed to be going, he started acting weird - and this ain't your gal's first fuckboy rodeo. 

So I straight up asked him what was going on. He told me he met someone and didn't know quite how to tell me. Considering I'm a walking definition of anxiety, I'm surprisingly easy going and approachable, so all he had to do was tell me. I wasn't bothered by the girlfriend, I was bothered because he lied and started acting shady. At this point, my tickets were booked (and I think everyone knows train travel in England isn't cheap) and I was honestly quite pissed off. But at the end of the day, it's just money. He told me he still really wants me to come, and the she's completely okay with it (since they met after I was asked) and because we'd be going as friends only. After a while of convincing, I agreed. Purely because before this, furthest North I've been was King's Lynn. So yeah. The week of, I double checked if it's okay for me to come, suggested maybe I should get a hotel because I started to feel bad, but was repeatedly told not to be silly. I even checked on Thursday night, the night before I was supposed to be heading there. Everything was still fine at 11:45pm. Off I went to the train station on Friday afternoon, excited for my York adventure, my rose-printed Primark midi dress that everyone and their dog owns flowing in the wind.

I was sat next to the loveliest couple, who were heading to the York races - it was their first weekend away from the kids for a while, so they were boozing it up and I lived for it. They were awesome. About 30/40 minutes into my journey, I received the text. The girlfriend was no longer okay with me coming. I was told I might as well turn back and go home. I was fuming - I asked repeatedly, offered ways out. Then, I had a panic attack. And then another one. And then another one. In that time, I received multiple texts: some telling me to turn back, some telling me to still come. A few missed phone calls. I didn't want to speak to him. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't. But I did, and I was convinced to come regardless of what the situation was. He told me he'd pay for my train journey back if that's something I'd still want after talking things out with him (I still don't know what he wanted to bloody talk about, to be honest with you, my dear reader). I was already on the train, and the aforementioned couple had starting pouring vodka into my Diet Coke, so I said to myself "Fuck it, girl just go". Which you could've guessed from the photos of York, but I have the flare for the dramatic.

When I arrived, I was exhausted. As I've said, I had three panic attacks and I've had a little bit to drink (nothing crazy, don't get any ideas, reader). We sat and we talked, he apologised over and over again. We decided to go for dinner before making any decisions (I had a £20 Turtle Bay voucher - shoutout to my favourites for being there in my time of need). We went to his house, I left my bags, off we went to enjoy some Caribbean inspired food and decide what to do. I was obviously still mad at him. I still am. It'll be a long while before this feeling goes away. In this time, the Girlfriend kept texting him and calling him - she was hanging out with her friends, and was obviously heavily influenced by them.

I strongly believe in male/female friendships, most of my close friends are male. Sadly, not many people do. 

He kept leaving the table to go outside and speak to her, and I was completely fine with it - at the end of the day, this was his girlfriend and I wasn't there to interfere with anyone's relationship, I was there to hear some sexy Yorkshire accent and visit the fucking Jorvik centre. However, I've never felt more uncomfortable, to the point where the waitress, Hannah (another shout out, 10/10 service) came up to me and asked if everything was okay, because the situation at our table made even her worried and uncomfortable. Every time he came back he kept saying he wants me to stay and go to the ball with him regardless. I was very confused about what to do. Originally, I was going to stay from Friday until Monday. However, after the dinner we got back to his, and I made the decision to go back home on Sunday instead (I found a ticket for £8, wtf). He insisted on paying for my hotel for those two nights to make up for it, and I just let him do it. I was exhausted. I also spoke to his girlfriend. Her mood also changed very quickly, she said she wanted me to stay and that being in a hotel was just silly. I didn't feel comfortable anymore, so regardless of what she would have said, I was leaving. She wanted to meet me after her bar-tending shift, around 3AM, and I agreed - but, after getting to the hotel and checking in, I kept falling asleep. As I've said, it was an exhausting day. I texted him and asked if we could do lunch or dinner on the Saturday instead, as I was simply too tired to do it. Everything seemed fine. I woke up to a message telling me that the Girlfriend has been through a lot and he doesn't know whether she'll feel like meeting me - I could not have cared less. Later on that day he texted me asking me to tell him how I get on with exploring York, I replied. Not heard from him since. Arrivederci, stronzo.

Initially, I wasn't thrilled about spending a day alone in a strange city. It was scary. I've never really been alone whilst away, and the last time that I was my anxiety was nowhere near as bad as it is nowadays (more on that another time). I spent the day just strolling, and whilst sat outside of the Minster, I started chatting to a lovely girl and her mum. They were bird watching, and the Perigrone Falcon was sat on the church, so they asked me whether I wanted to see. They explained that it's the fastest bird/animal, and they're not very easy to spot. So of course I did, once in a lifetime opportunity. We talked for about an hour, and when we were saying our goodbyes, Sarah and I decided to add each other on Facebook, so we can follow each other's travels (hope you're still planning on visiting Poland, Sarah!) - turns out I was on a society committee with her best friend, Phoebe. What are the chances! Small, small world indeed. She recommended that I go and have breakfast at Brew & Brownie, but my train was at 8 in the morning the following day, so it was something I filed in my mind under 'next time you're in York'. I went back to my hotel, ordered some room service and checked out Tinder, as you do when you're bored. I was watching TV, texting my friends and realised there was still so much more of York that I haven't seen and that I wanted to see. On a whim, I booked myself onto another hotel for Sunday night - you can read about that here - and was very happy with my decision.

Once I checked into StayCity, the lovely receptionists told me all the places to check out, and recommended the bus tour. I took them up on it - it was £10, valid for 24 hours and I got to see the major sights. I half went up the Clifford's Tower - once outside of it's gate I decided I didn't actually want to go inside, lol. I also didn't go on a tour of the Minster, but that's something for another time for sure.  I did, however, go to the Jorvik Viking Centre - 100% recommend, great fun. I also decided to go on a Ghost Tour, and at £3, you can't really go wrong. The reason I liked it is because my tour guide wasn't overly theatrical and wasn't trying very hard to scare you. The stories he told were real, and whether you believe the haunting part of it was up to you. I headed back to my hotel for dinner, and that was also a mini disaster, as you'll know from my oven fiasco. In that time, I started talking to a guy on Tinder, and he offered to show me around York after I told him my situation. I had to cancel on him because of the bloody oven, but asked if he wanted to reschedule for brunch the next day - I really wanted to go to Brew & Brownie, can you tell? We met up, had a great brunch (14/10 I recommend, neither of us finished our pancakes because there was just so much food) and cocktails, and I made a friend out of it. A win, really.

What I can tell you is that this was a heartbreaking experience. I learned a lot about myself, mainly that I can spend time alone in a strange city and for it to not be complete tragedy. I also learned that people are dicks, and you can't help that. You need to move on, and you can't let other people dictate your life. Negative people aren't necessary in anyone's life. Cut them out. Get rid of them. Delete them on Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter. Block their number.

Do whatever is necessary for you to be happy, because you're worth so much more than constant apologies and always being asked for forgiveness. You deserve someone who will go above and beyond to care for you and who takes your feelings into consideration.

I really want to go back to York, sadly I don't think I'll have a chance anytime soon - although Em Sheldon is planning an event there soon, so I might be tempted. I'm definitely planning another one-gal trip at some point this year. Remember to love yourself.

Love, Marty xx

#MartyEats: Pan-Roasted Chicken with Dijon Mushroom Sauce and Brown Rice*

I love cooking, especially trying out new recipes, so when I was recently contacted by Trisha from HelloFresh asking if I was interested in collaborating with them, I jumped straight at the opportunity. They've recently released a new tool, called the Flavour Generator. So, what is it? It's pretty cool, actually! You choose the cuisine you prefer (Indian, British, Mexican, Italian or Middle Eastern) and then you pick the flavour - spicy, sweet, tangy, herby, or something you've never tried before. The generator then chooses one or two dishes that fit into this category, and off you go! My only criticism is that there aren't enough options meal wise, but perhaps that's because I have a very picky Mum (I'm currently back to living with my parents, explanation in the next blog post) who doesn't eat a lot of things. If I was cooking for myself or friends it probably would have been slightly easier. 

Anyway! We decided to go for British food with a spicy flavour (which again, quite daring for Mum, she's not a fan of too much spice). The generator gave us thyme and mustard as the undertones of the dish, and the two dishes were Pimped Up Pan Haggerty and this beauty you'll read about here. We agreed on this because, well, you can't go wrong with chicken & mushroom. 

The recipe has a level of difficulty (ours was 1, how adventurous of us), a nutritional values list and the breakdown of ingredients. I wish the ingredients weren't in ounces, but nothing a quick Google search can't fix. 

WHAT YOU'LL NEED (2 servings) :

340g of chicken breast

56g of sour cream

1 cube of chicken stock 

7g of thyme

255g of brown rice

2 cloves of garlic

115g of button mushroom

1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard

salt, pepper, olive oil

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Remove the chicken from the refrigerator and bring to room temperature. Bring a medium pot of water with a large pinch of salt to a boil. Thinly slice the mushrooms. Mince or grate the garlic. Strip the thyme leaves off the sprig and roughly chop.
2. Cook the rice: Add the rice to the boiling water and boil for about 30 minutes, until tender. Drain.
   
3. Meanwhile, heat a drizzle of oil in a large pan over medium heat. Pat dry the chicken with a paper towel, then season on all sides with salt and pepper. Add the chicken to the pan and cook for 2-3 minutes per side, until browned, but not yet cooked through. Place the chicken on a baking sheet and transfer to the oven for about 10 minutes, until just cooked through.
   
   
4. Heat another drizzle of oil in the same pan over medium heat. Add the thyme and garlic to the pan and cook for 30 seconds, until fragrant. Add the mushrooms to the pan and cook, tossing for 5-6 minutes, until browned. Season with salt and pepper.
   
5. Add ½ cup water and the stock concentrate to the pan. Scrape up any browned bits from the bottom of the pan. Nestle the chicken in the sauce while it reduces. Bring to a simmer for 2-3 minutes, or until reduced by half. Remove the pan from heat and stir in the sour cream and 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard. Season to taste with salt and pepper. At this point, Mum and I thought it'd be best to use more sour cream next time - just a tip! We all agreed it needs to be a little creamier.

   
   

   
6. Finish and plate: Thinly slice the chicken and serve on a bed of brown rice (although as you can see we decided to do that before we added it to the pan). Drizzle with the Dijon mushroom sauce and enjoy!

We all loved this recipe and we'll definitely be making it again. Next time though, we'll make sure it's more creamy and we'll add a little bit more chicken. Do you think you'll be trying Hello Fresh's new Flavour Generator? Have a look at the tool and let me know what you'd choose to make! 

Love, 

Marty xx

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*This post was in collaboration with Hello Fresh in exchange for an honest review and a Hello Fresh box of my choice.

#MartyTravels: StayCity Aparthotels York Review

Hello hello! As you saw in my previous post, whilst I was in York I had the pleasure (debatable, I guess - blog post as to why shall soon follow) of staying in two hotels. One of them was Hotel Indigo, and you can read about my stay here. The other one was StayCity Aparthotels. I booked last minute (literally the night before) via Booking.com and made my way there on Sunday morning. My check in wasn't until 3pm, but I thought I could at least leave my bags and then go off on a wonder around York. The staff however was super lovely and since my room wasn't ready yet, they just put me up in a different one, #winner. I left my bags and off I went. I came back after my Ghost Trail (yes, I did that, no, it wasn't weird) and because I was super hungry I decided to cook myself some food. What a bad idea that was. Somehow I managed to blow a fuse in the room! Of course that's something that would happen to me. The receptionist came up, we fixed the fuse, everything seemed to be working. Apart from the oven. And I needed the oven. So we tried to fix it, tried a few different options, but they've decided to move me to another room and give me an upgrade, just for the hassle. Again, #winner. 

I was a fan of the hotel from the start. The reception is cool, I like its vibe. The staff were probably one of the nicest people I ever met. I chatted to them as to why I was in York and why I was staying in a hotel, and they gave me many a tip as to where to go, what to see, and what to do considering my situation. 5/5 on the staff there, StayCity York! Give them a pay rise! 

I didn't take photos of my original room, as I was in a rush and just wanted to get out of there and sight-see. It was essentially the same, minus the lounge area situation. So you get the idea. 

As soon as you walk into the room, you're welcomed by the lounge and the kitchen (please excuse the quality of the photos, they're taken on my phone and my camera is broken because I dropped my phone lol of course). It's the perfect size of a flat - and to be honest, I'd happily live in a place like that, but then again, I like small apartments. But that's the whole point of it, it's supposed to feel like home, and I loved that. I won't lie, I didn't sit at the kitchen table. I chose the sofas instead (which I believe are actually sofa beds? I don't know, I had no need to check that out), in front of the TV - which also has Netflix on, another #winner. One 'complaint' I could possibly have is that I'd rather have a TV in the bedroom rather than in the lounge, I like watching TV in bed. But honestly, who really cares. It's not of great importance. 

I really liked the simplicty of the apartment, especially the kitchen. You're provided with a microwave, a dishwasher, a fridge freezer and an oven, and all the utensils you can potentially need on a short stay in a hotel - I asked for a baking tray and I got one, so even if there's something missing you can always give reception a shout. The bathroom was also super nice, I loved the overhead shower! Again, it was a short stay, so I can really say is - the shower worked, it was great, I felt clean afterwards. 10/10.

The bedroom was very simple, but again, I like that. I love the contrast wall and the wall art, which also featured in the lounge. Just a cute touch. The bed is huuuuuge, so I star-fished for days (well, hours). There's also a wardrobe (where the fuse box is, in case you were wondering!) and a mirror. And bedside table, of course. The standards. 

Here's a cute lil pic of me being super happy in my new hotel room, feat. my newest obsession aka these New Look shorts

I will 100% be staying at StayCity again, whether that is in York or in one of their many other locations. The staff was outstanding, despite problems, and the room was great. And the price isn't too high, either. I was very impressed with it, considering I was booking last minute I was worried I wouldn't be happy with my choice, but I kind of wish I stayed there the whole time, I think it would have made my stay even better. Have you ever stayed at StayCity before? 

Love,

Marty xx